So, I’m writing this almost a month after the fact, so if I just plain don’t bother with a couple of details my non-existent shrink can sue me.
Turns out the kids in Berkley were fine. By that I mean that they were under attack, and Brendan Gair nearly died, but Hercules and Apollo showed up to save the day. Gair lived. They were attacked by Ixion, it seems, along with a pack of mechanized wolves with chain-saw mouths. It sounds pretty ridiculous, I suppose, but that’s what they were. Hercules showed up because his son Alex was there—having arrived after surviving a similar attack that took the lives of his brother and mother. Pretty harsh.
In any case, the kids are starting their own scion-y work now. Apollo’s asked a favor of them, so they’re running around doing stuff. We got a post-card from Susan from China the other day. Hercules is with them too. He’s apparently ditched Olympus because he’s sick of their nonsense, and he’s spending all his time with his remaining son. My kind of guy. I had a chat with him, and I think I can count on him to make the right choices when the time comes. Or, at least try to. He’s only so bright.
Hercules and Apollo weren’t the only guest appearances though. Some scion of the Morrigan named Ciara showed up too. She’s… interesting. She’s been sent to make sure we take care of the eye post-haste, and seems pretty intent on following out her orders. At the same time she’s sort of invading our personal space here. I mean, she was sleeping in her car, parked in our drive-way, when we got back to Berkeley. On the other hand, she helped save the kids before the big-guns showed up, so we have to give her some credit. There’s more to that story, but it comes later.
So we started trying to fix the house up—important stuff like doors and a roof first—but didn’t get very far. Laurel and I were intent on getting hitched now while we had what looked like a bit of down time. Of course, neither of us had really informed our fathers on this subject much yet, so we got to have some various forms of “the talk.” Apparently Apollo thinks I’m alright, at least now that I’ve stared him in the eye like a man ready to die and basically told him I didn’t care much what he thought so long as Laurel was happy. Alright, I didn’t say it quite like that, but he’s a smart guy—he can read between the lines.
In any case, Laurel and I were running around getting stuff ready. Jack and I took a job to pay a couple of bills with. And then, less than a week before he wedding I walk into my mom’s house in Chicago to find Dwarves running about doing chores and my parents sitting at the kitchen table having an endearing chat. You know, like ‘normal’ families. I swear, if I were still a teen-ager, I would consider myself officially scarred.
So Dad tells me there’s something I’ve gotta do before the wedding, so I think this thing is all important and stuff. Then he tells me he wants me to test out this dungeon thing he’s building. To see if it’s idiot-proof, I guess. I mean, if you’re building a giant, underground, invisible prison to hold—I’m just guessing here—titans, and your kid whose still got more blood than ichor can break into it, you’re pretty pathetic. My dad, however, is not pathetic. I couldn’t really get in. Even with Jack and Nate helping me out I had trouble just getting to a decoy room. I never did fight the dragon. And francois is a punk.
So the guys and I head off to the bachelor party. A baseball game and a supernatural strip joint. I was more excited about the game. Jack, on the other hand, might have nearly been eaten alive. All I know is I saw him take what was obviously not your average stripper off to a back room, then about a minute later she came running out scared out of her mind. I took pictures and sent them to Laurel. Apparently she was busy being called a slut by Aphrodite. Apparently Aphrodite’s a bitch.
Day of the wedding finally came, and we were running around getting stuff ready when the wedding planner called to say she had to cancel due to a death in the family—totally understandable. Sucks to be her. So we had to go get the cake, the food, and the flowers. Nate and Ciara offered to go get the cake and the flowers while I was off to get the food. There was apparently some bad traffic. I didn’t notice. However I heard on the radio that there was some kind of cattle drive down-town. Cattle drive? In Chicago? On a city street? The day of my wedding? My dad is ridiculously out of touch.
Sure enough, when I get back to the church with the food three score head of golden Yaks are on the lawn and I hear my dad saying something to Apollo like “I hear that someone stole your cattle.” I swear I wanted to yell at my dad ‘THAT WAS TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO!’ But I had other shit to worry about. Like the news vans. That’s right, news vans. And some dude apparently named Thad who jumped out of one of them, pointed straight at us—or possibly just Jack—and yelled “there they are!” Nate and I were about to pummel this Thad guy—who was apparently crashing MY wedding to get at NATE (really, incredibly bad idea)—when Ciara was nice enough to take care of the news people by pretending to be a jumper. That sealed it, she was on the ‘kinda cool’ list. Yeah, I keep lists. No, I don’t wanna write about it.
Anyways, we finally manage to get things more or less in order when I get a picture message from Laurel of her forehead with the word “MURDERER” carved in it and just the caption “Scary Mary says hi. Didn’t want to surprise you at the altar.” Awesome. Simply deciding not to deal with that, I get inside and try to make sure that things are getting settled down. That is, until Artemis shows up with The Situation on her arm. Yes The Situation. And guess who he is? Dio-fucking-nysus. I mean, weddings are family affairs right? It makes sense that he came. It’s just really not a good sign. Then Zeus and Hera show up—forgot to mention, Hera’s doing the ceremony by her own decree—and a bunch of toga-clad people start redecorating the place. Yeah. I’m gunna love the in-laws.
Then there’s a crack of lightning and Odin and Frigg just sort of appear in their seats. And, finally, we are ready to get under way. The ceremony actually went alright. Susan was the flower girl, Nevermore the ring bearer, and the ceremonial dagger with which we spilt our blood/ichor together in a ritual binding by Hera to ensure our fidelity throughout the ages was only about half as cheesy and unexpected as one would think something like that would be. I mean, at least I kind of saw it coming.
The reception was cool. I don’t really remember all of it. I got drunk. Was kind of a new feeling. Apparently being drunk is really, incredibly inconvenient. You can’t quite think properly, you laugh a little too loudly even after you realize you’re doing it, and every time you stand up the room moves rather violently. I had never been drunk in my entire life, no matter how much I drank. I blame Dionysus. Prick.
The wedding presents were the best part, though. Among them, Artemis gave us an Astrolabe with some rather amazing powers (it’s an Astrolabe of the universe—screw solar systems), Frigg gave Laurel a glimpse of the future as it revolves around our relationship (apparently I might be eaten by the world serpent, who knew), and Ciara gave us a Blentech blender with a card that said “For the disposal of your foes and the perfection of your patience.” That blender is the shit. Did you know it can blend a garden rake? Seriously—the shit.
Anyways, Laurel and I went on our honeymoon and have since gotten back. There’s been some negotiation regarding storing the eye in dad’s big prison thing. But we are waiting on them to finish it. Ciara and Brendan just flew off to Germany on some errand, Jack said he was getting out of the business and walked off into the sunset like fucking John Wayne, and Camilla has been off doing gods-know-what. You’d be surprised how good you can get at Parcheesi in a month.
Laurel and I are planning to head to Guinee to take care of the Glapion situation as soon as the eye is locked away safely. It’ll be nice to get them both out from over our heads.
Oh yeah, and Laurel’s having twins. She told me the next morning after our wedding night. I still want to know how the hell she can know that. Also, what luck. Second fucking time. Whatever, I like kids. We just need to find someone to take care of them who doesn’t have a full-time job saving the world… do I even know anyone like that?